No Strangers.

The Deutschland is a place I never thought I'd visit this year. I'd never heard of anything peculiar about the place except the BMW automobile showroom that most engineering undergraduates gushed about like little girls. So, it's true when I say I never really wanted to go Germany at all!

When I was sick for a short while back then, my friend asked if I want to go Germany with her. I was like... sure! Mostly because I was under medication and I couldn't think straight. Thank goodness the tickets to Dusseldorf was cheap... and so the plan materialized.

I didn't do much research, was out having a good time on Monday night at the Kings of Leon concert and the trip was on Wednesday morning itself. I kept telling another friend that I'd be so dead for the trip... hoping that the friend who's joining me had done enough research.

Our first destination was Cologne. It's quite a huge city separated by a river. We were lost the moment we got there and we met a good Samaritan on the underground train who showed us the way. He was shocked, when he found out that we're touring Cologne and told us the best nightlife is in Berlin. Soon after checking-in to the hotel, we decided to try out the kebap (that's how they spelled it in Germany) restaurant which was HIGHLY RECOMMENDED by my friend. Got lost on the streets while trying to look for the underground station. I tapped the shoulder of a man and asked for directions. My goodness... he was such a gentleman!!! His looks were comparable to a prince and his accent was... unbelievably clear for a German. My friend was on the other side and once she saw his face... she hopped over like a bunny and asked him for directions... -TWICE. Just because she didn't hear what he said the first time she asked him to repeat... drowned in his good looks. So, dinner time. Kebap is a Turkish cuisine and the people serving us were Turkish people who speak German; not so much of English. Others had to queue, pay and get their food before entering the restaurant but we've got the special service. We sat down and the waiter tried to take our order. He asked BIG or SMALL bread... we're like what are the exact sizes? Guess what, he went into the kitchen and came out with the breads to demonstrate to us!!! We laughed our heads off! Then we're eating, halfway through I saw bottles of yellow liquid on the table. So I grabbed a waiter and asked him what it was. He couldn't speak English, so he dragged another waiter to explain to us. But he too, couldn't speak English. Final resort, he went into the kitchen and took out a slice of lemon to show us. Once again, we laughed our heads off at their funny demonstrations.

The next day in Cologne, we started off our journey well just because I finally grasped the routes for the underground. However, once we entered Heumarkt, we got lost on the way to Marienplatz. I told my friend to scout for hot guys so we can ask for directions. Just as we're scouting the people on the street across, the traffic light turned green and they crossed over. One lady walked directly to us and asked if we need help. Okay, so here comes my theory; take out a map, put on the very confused and lost look... people will come to you.

I tried this tactic twice, in Berlin and it worked wonders for me. I cannot list the number of good Samaritans that we've met in Germany but all in all, we met a wonderful lady in Berlin. She's 80 years old, walking alone in the freezing streets just to get flowers from the other end. I didn't put on the "lost" face on purpose but she was kind enough to offer her help. She was going the same way as the place we intended to go, Bebelplatz so she walked us there. On the way, she told us that she was once at the East Berlin side and she condemned Communism though living in it. I imagined, what if we just sit down at a nice, warm cafe and spend the afternoon just listening to her stories. I mean, since we were not enjoying Berlin. She's 80. She lived through everything. Too bad we didn't and she could only share the stories as far as her experience with the Embassies and the European Commission building. And the best part was... she knew where Malaysia is!!!

She really inspired both of us to try to enjoy Berlin. Maybe most of the sights that we saw were around East Berlin; we didn't enjoy them. Communist buildings are so dull and the highly anticipated Marx-Engels Forum with the Holocaust Memorials were just... disappointing. I guess Cologne, Fussen, Munich and Liepzig were too exciting that Berlin fared much worse compared to them. I really loved Cologne for the people and the culture. I wish to go back there again.

Lost in Transition

Do you believe in reciprocity? It's like an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth; albeit in a good way. In certain circumstances I believe giving back should be more than what I've taken from others. It just feels as if I'm indebted forever if I don't return with a surplus.

However, sometimes enough is enough. There is no point of having insufferable feelings over things that don't matter. Give and take. No giving? That's it. I'm moving on. What makes me feel really awful is when these people return to me and behave as if everything is still normal. You don't sustain a strong bond on a come-and-go basis. You make effort to keep in touch, you stay through the thick and thins and more importantly, you share.

I told some friends last year that I wish I could be more selfish, more conceited. That way, I can tell others what I want and get what I want more easily. However, I just cannot put myself through it. Lost in transition. Stuck in between.

This is not a warning sent out to my readers/friends but I'm just trying to inspire myself to be a more positive person. Sometimes letting go is the key to happiness. I appreciate everything that comes my way but unfortunately most people I know don't really share the same trait; let alone preserving it.

Seeking Warmth.

Christmas Markets in the UK are so dull if you compare them to the Night Markets in Malaysia. There are not much varieties and the things are mostly for decorative purposes. Worst of all, you have to endure the cold and it's not just normal chill but -3°C type of chill!

Of course, the venue is always nicer and they have different themes for the markets. In Manchester itself we have French and German themed markets. However, the price of the things sold here are not cheap especially if you convert back to Ringgit.

I had a lot of fun at the Leeds' Christkindlmarkt last year. Downing pints of Pilsner, eating hot German hotdogs, sipping hot muled wines and eating the German bon bons! Didn't really enjoy the salty pretzels though. I went there for 4 times I guess and a lot of alcohol was involved every time I stopped by. The one is Manchester was way too cold for me to hang out for long... and I came across a really cozy cafe in the High Streets. It will totally be my hangout place next time.

Sipped on a small cup of Americano Latte.

Then a good cup of hot Mocha.

Unlike other chain coffee houses, the hot coffees served there were REALLY hot. This cafe will really make a good spot for me to sit in online and write... (when I start doing freelance writing).


Though I don't think any of them would be reading this shout out but, Happy Birthday to both Yun See and Jian Bin! Good luck in your assessments this week.

The "Awww..." Factor

I've been a big fan of Tegan & Sara for a very long time... And they've never been much cuter than their appearances in Margaret Cho's latest song, "Intervention". Sara, my favorite half of the twins had always been quiet and grumpy as compared to the noisy and outspoken Tegan. Though they're both lesbians, you don't see Sara at the parades while Tegan joined the rally against Prop 8 by the California government even though she's CANADIAN. Tegan's a LGBT rights advocate all right.

On to the cute pictures:

SARA IS SO CUTE WITH HER NEW HAIRSTYLE!!!

Tegan had stopped straightening her hair it seemed
and CHECK OUT SARA'S CRAZY GOOGLY EYES!

Shoving the finger back at Margaret. This scene is epic...
look at Margaret's parents at the back and the American flag.

They had one of the best onstage banters -EVER. If you ask any fans: "What do you enjoy most during T&S's concert?" they'd reply: "Their onstage banters."

Sara is always the sarcastic one while Tegan is the joker. Dissing Justin Bieber and also Sara... And if you happen to listen to their songs, you would know that both had very different styles of making music. Tegan, self-professed rockstar and while Sara is just making "weird" music.

The Creation.

Let me ask a simple question: "Why do you blog?"

This question suddenly popped in my mind while I was preparing a post; well, now that post can wait while I write a more serious piece. Back when I started blogging, it was on that Friendster network site thing. Yes, Friendster... ring a bell? I posted up some really bad short stories about some people (non-fiction, unfortunately) and worst of all, there were people reading and commenting on them. The attention came in during college and new friends I'd met made some comments about my Friendster page. I'm not exactly a famous person you see, but the contents I had going inside there were pretty awesome. That's when I felt noticed, like people getting to know me by reading what I write.

Shortly after, I removed all my short stories posts mostly because I grew sick of writing them non-fictions. Starting anew, I blogged about my life, music and thoughts; the blueprint of most blogs. I emphasized on one thing though; language. My passion for blogging grew bigger and I started reading others as well. Then the tag games started and more private information were shared online. Blogging on Friendster was restrictive and so I moved to the famous Blogspot. Started tweaking with HTML codes to decorate my blog site and then adding more links to mine.

On to the second year of my college, the passion was so overwhelming I had 4 blogs under my wing. One main site, one for music, one for entertainment gossips and another for politics. Call me crazy but I really wasn't studying I swear. I started earning by blogging and though they're quite little, I felt proud because people were reading; traffic were coming in. I blogged just about everything but then I felt sick of it once I entered the second year of Law. I knew some people from the Law School were checking up on my posts as something-somewhere-somewhat happened and I was on the radar. I had a lousy social life, my studies were bad and I felt bitter about just everything.

I closed down three of my sub-pages and kept the main site though I didn't update it as frequent as I used to. I've lost my sense of humor and in reality, I was quite a mean person with a long streak of sarcastic remarks. I wonder how my roommate put up with me really, I thought I was a monster back then. I found comfort and solace in music and movies. The indie scene really grew on me. The way they make their music, their background, their interest and their passion. I wanted to enjoy something which is uncommon, unheard and unpolluted. I want to do the same with my life. I don't want to live the same life as others. Not that I aim to be a revolutionist or rebel; but I just need to step into a higher phase.

Back to the main point, I then used my blog as a means to keep in touch with people. We all know what happened next... FACEBOOK. Don't really need a blog then? True. I started blogging again albeit an occasional one and switched my style of blogging. Never really asked opinion on it; I don't really care if I have any readers at all! I suppose blogging is really my sanctuary for random thoughts and, CRAZY HOME-COOKED RECIPES.

The Whirlpool of Doom

I finally seized the chance to meet my idols... JENNY LEWIS & JOHNATHAN RICE! I was standing right at the middle of front row; between the two and within the distance of 2 metres! I really love the up-close and personal stage in Ruby Lounge!

After 6 concerts in the UK; I felt really blessed because as a Malaysian, you don't have a chance to do this in Malaysia. The costs, timing and worst of all; lack of indie performances in Malaysia! Now I have 3 more concerts (confirmed ones); Kings of Leon, Maroon 5 and Kylie Minogue's. All three are MAJOR concerts and not the kind of smaller gigs that I attended (save for Paramore). That got me thinking, I'm taking a gap year now, planning to work and then continue my studies for next year... why not I work part-time and go traveling instead?

This idea seemed dumb and a total waste of time to me last time. I'd always thought, why not just graduate and enter the adult working life as soon as possible because you're only wasting your time doing nothing. Now, I had a different perspective on this matter. I only get to live my life once, if I get the chance to do something meaningful and fulfilling with it... why not? It's not like I purposely take a gap year here to enjoy myself. It was all by chance and maybe a challenge from God for me to open my eyes and start accepting failures in life.

I had never encountered failures in life. Never had I received rejections or boulders that stop my track. Everything is so smooth despite no effort from me. Never a hardworking person, never a nervous wreck, never succumbed to peer pressure and just living my own good life. So when disaster struck and I had to take a gap year, many people were shocked that I returned to UK to do this. Most of them were thinking that I'm wasting my parents' money here. Well, the truth is, the University had issued unconditional letter to me wrongly and I had to get back here for that. It's not what I wanted; it's all fated and bound to happen.

I thought of making full use of my time in UK, getting a trainee legal work and work for a year before starting my BPTC course. I might face further rejections; visa, work application and etc. But heck, this is life and I have to learn to live the hard way!

But then, getting used to the easy-breeze lifestyle is a moniker for doom itself... I better not get sucked into it. Heck, I want to be a lawyer!

The Great Jenny Lewis and Johnathan Rice

I'd never thought that I could realize my dream of meeting my favorite indie artists in the UK. When I first arrived here, I missed out on Uh Huh Her and Tegan & Sara. I was especially sad about the Tegan & Sara one because being a big fan for so many years and knowing how impossible it is for them to ever perform on a stage in Malaysia; I didn't manage to get a ticket to see them in Manchester.

I was lucky to stumble upon the opportunity to see She & Him live in London. Not many people heard about them and I wasn't about to advertise Indie in front of my friends and asking them to fork out money for a band that they don't even know. So, I went alone. That's when I started loving traveling and attending concerts alone. Especially the indie ones because bringing a non-fanatic friend would mean B-O-R-E-D-O-M.

This evening, I'm going to meet one of the pioneers of indie music. Her indie history spanned from indie rock, indie alternative, indie folk and indie country. She's been making good indie music for more than 10 years. Now, she's partnered up with Johnathan Rice; another cult indie singer.


Together, they're Jenny & Johnny. Many of you wouldn't know (as in you really don't know him at all!) Johnathan Rice but he's actually British. His music once appeared in The O.C. and The O.C. is the pioneer of indie music in teen TV shows. Not even One Tree Hill can top The O.C.'s mix tapes. They introduced me to Death Cab for Cutie, Johnathan Rice, Nada Surf and a lot more. Johnathan's "Further North" album was so hauntingly good. I'd always say that his voice is haunting. The album was made possible with collaborations from Jenny's Rilo Kiley and other indie big guns such as Bright Eyes and Johnathan Wilson. He even inspired Ben Gibbard to write "Little Bribes" for the Death Cab for Cutie's EP, Open Door.



When Jenny was a solo artist, Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie didn't get a chance to collaborate with her but his then-girlfriend, Zooey Deschanel did. He once collaborated with her for The Postal Service's "We Will Become Silhouettes". So he wanted to hear her new music so badly and when she finally let him listen to her album, he was really fascinated with the title song. Matt Ward said this is the best album that Jenny had ever made. It might be overproduced a little but she really had a fun time collaborating with many other indie artists such as Johnathan Rice, Zooey Deschanel, Matt Ward, Elvis Costello, her old bandmate Jason Boesel and many others.



Her debut not-so-solo album was with The Watson Twins, "Rabbit Fur Coat". If you're a Rilo Kiley fan, you'd be thrown away by this album. The songs are mostly indie country and folk. They're so easy on the ears and you'd be swayed far and deep before realizing the album had finished playing.


The Watson Twins are creepy in some way but they performed so well in complimenting Jenny's voice in the album.

And who would forget the great indie band Rilo Kiley. I was hooked on "The Frug" when I heard it on that old teen movie Desert Blue. Then for some reason TV started infusing indie music into their shows and the culprit here is Grey's Anatomy. They loved putting in Tegan & Sara songs and also Rilo Kiley's most famous song; "Portions for Foxes". Their follow up album and their last was also so amazing. Fans were wondering what they're doing with the new album because it was no longer indie rock; more to indie alternative. The fact of the matter, they're just so good in what they do and anything that Jenny touches turn to gold.

She had contributed her voice to many other artists' songs and the recent was Brandon Flower's "Hard Enough". There is no end to my admiration for her... and I still remember Michelle Branch's twitter update:

Michelle Branch: Jenny Lewis is on my flight to Vegas. I'll try not to fan girl her. Sigh.

3 Non-Coloured Pills Evoked Me Alter-Ego.

Nothing like a healthy me stalking up the net late at night. I've actually receiving complaints via Facebook, MSN Messenger and even my handphone now.

"SICK PEOPLE MUST GET MORE REST!"

"why are u still awake??"

"you no need to sleep one ah Carly Yap"

I guess I should really rest... long weekend is closing in. Nottingham/Liverpool/Cheshire Oak. Then my long awaited Jenny & Johnny concert.

It's amazing how medicine can cloud your judgment. Let me list out my scenarios:

#1 - Never check budget airline website when you're all drugged up

My friend had been wanting a trip for so long but no plan was on the table really. Then she suggested GERMANY and I was browsing through Ryanair website. £6 for tickets to Dusseldorf. And the rest is history. I'll be in Germany from 15th till 22nd December. Just pray that I'll get my passport by then.

#2 - Never make promises before you start thinking straight

A friend who came over my place a few weeks ago was thinking of running away from her "incoming-snow-blizzard" Sunderland and I was like... COME COME COME! Even talked about food and which restaurants to eat at. When she messaged me about the traveling dates and timing I even stamped my approval. Not until this afternoon when the medication was off; I REMEMBERED THAT I HAD A CONCERT TO ATTEND! It broke her heart, once when she heard about it but I flattened her lifeline when I mentioned my Germany trip. And now, she's
d.e.a.d.c.a.n.n.o.t.c.o.p.e.w.i.t.h.t.h.e.n.e.w.s

#3 - NEVER EVER, talk nonsense and try to get them materialized

Planning on a blog for short stories? Ideas all cropped up when I was drugged but once they wore off writer's block hit me like a hard block of CEMENT. Period.

Down with F.L.U.

I don't remember being so sick in the UK before. I've been sick before in Leeds; twice but even with the two counts combined cannot top the current one I'm suffering from. Thank goodness I am feeling better day after day. Influenza is just annoying especially for someone with rhinitis like me. I can hardly sleep; but I need the sleep and I cannot smell the air when I breathe.

Plain depressing with the weather in UK and night time falls too early. Snow is reported in several areas but thank goodness it's sunny here in Manchester today. The weather had sympathy for me. Many friends sympathized with my situation as well; being all alone in my place and nobody to take care of me. But I'm not the type of person who would rely on others to take care of me when I'm sick. I still remember, back in INTI, a classmate of mine was very sick and I took her in for a week just taking care of her. That's when I got the nickname of caretaker.

I must get healthy by the weekend... I want to go Nottingham and Cheshire Oak! Then it's Jenny & Johnny's concert and the continuous wait for my visa. And people, I finally understand the feeling of going down with flu in UK. It's horrendous and now, I share your pain.

Dedications Part 2

The concert was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! For the very first time I didn't behave like a groupie; I simply took my own sweet time to get to the MEN Arena; even getting a box of chips with cheese en route! Because for the very first time, I've got seated tickets and boy I didn't regret that. The crowd was massive and a bunch of troublemakers kept reserving a circle for themselves (within the crowd), and pushed everybody aside while they did some really rough horseplay. And I don't forget to mention, they do serve alcohols at concerts here so... no thanks but I don't want to get injured and all.

I didn't really get to enjoy the first act so I cannot comment on them. B.O.B. was quite good. I hate gangsta rap so his type of music totally music to my ears. I was really shocked when he pulled on the electric guitar and started belting out MGMT's "Kids". That's when I stood up and started rocking. He ended his performance with Airplanes... and guess who came on stage? ZAC! The stage was dark so everybody thought it was Hayley though she's hiding at the lower stage singing her part. Once the stage lighted up... everybody was laughing their heads off looking at the comical Zac.

Hayley with her hair tied up and wearing this really thick winter jacket jumped onto the main stage. People told me that she'd been wearing those for every part of her UK tour while singing "Airplanes".

Once their performance started, it was nonstop rock frenzy. Everybody was so energetic and fun! The stage was really cool and Taylor certainly enjoyed running around the stage!

I love this part when the spotlight stayed on Hayley for like 30 seconds.

For more pictures, visit: Paramore Live in Manchester

Dedications Part 1

I've been a fan of Paramore since I saw the music video of the song "Pressure" and how it relates to my life in college. At that particular time, Hayley still donned the red hair. Then I heard "Emergency" which had a cool music video by the way. I had their first album but didn't really indulge in it... I was more into Our Lady Peace and Death Cab for Cutie at that moment.

I remember a friend of mine suggesting that Paramore is high school rock-esque because their songs are radio friendly and high school students LOVE them. I totally disagreed because their debut album suggested otherwise. I didn't know who sang "crushcrushcrush" at the beginning, it's because I wasn't really into radio hits as I was in the early stages of converting myself into an Indie fan. My brother told me it was Paramore and I was shocked at first considering the cheekiness they'd infused into their punk rock music. And "Misery Business" was like so cute and not to mention, "That's What You Get". But I kind of noticed the chemistry between Josh and Hayley sort of faded and by that time they had a new member and the guitarist ranting about Hayley's popularity. Not many people knew this but they're Christians and if you had their The Final Riot DVD, you'd notice them praying before concerts.

Brand New Eyes album, in my opinion, is their "reversion" album. Sort of reintroducing the fans into their debut album type of music and lyrics. It's like now that they're famous, let them re-establish artistic control and do what we want. Sounds like what Indie bands do, right?

Tours with Tegan & Sara and New Found Glory in the US; only a fan like me would crave and hope to attend. Hayley admitted about her girl crush on Tegan and well, Paramore and New Found Glory goes back a long time in history and the fact that Hayley is dating Chad certainly does help a little. Together, they'd released this EP:



I am excited about the concert tomorrow night but that means ditching my friend who's coming over... oh well, she wouldn't mind I'm sure. HAHA!

Love/Hate Relationship with My Life

The wait for my visa is taking a toll on me. I just hope it gets here eventually if not I'm doomed! I am so frustrated with my life now. I hate holidays. Unbelievable, right? I'm one of those people who always want something else and can never be satisfied with the current lifestyle. Say, when I'm studying, I'd be looking for chances to slack. Got reminded by my friend last night; I would've gotten better results if not because of my laziness. Maybe there was some truth to that. But that's just me and I'm sure most of you share the same trait. Now, I'm in a long holiday and all I want to do is WORK. I'm kind of sick with the carefree lifestyle of mine.

I thought of a few things to do this month. First, learn some basic Chinese characters. That's what I should do instead of StarCraft II my time away. My Chinese is so off! I didn't even dare to speak Mandarin with the guy at the Chinese Supermarket just now because I thought I'd mislead him. You should see me when I'm ordering food at Chinese Restaurants... that's when the comedy begins. I'd mislead everybody because I don't know how to read the menu but I know what I want to eat.

Secondly, I'd like to learn some new recipes. I had the best Japanese bento today and I love the teriyaki sauce. Going out tomorrow to get some Mirin (Japanese sweet cooking wine)! Maybe I'll cook this dish to my visitor this weekend.

Lastly, reflect and reevaluate my life in UK shall my visa plans fall apart. There is no guarantee that they'll approve my application so I might as well have a backup plan standing by. So, that's my life.

Summer in Anticipation.

Surprise surprise; AirAsia is giving out free tickets, albeit limited, to major flights within Asia. That being said, good luck clicking your way through the site to look for the relevant dates with free flights. I got free ones to Macau for three and that's my only accomplishment. Luckily the site didn't crash while I was making reservations.

Then tickets to Phuket at relatively low prices; no thanks to temptation from my client. I'd always thought that Phuket is like the "Island of Temples" where most senile citizens would go for vacation on a bus ride. Guess I'll just have to find out next summer.

I guess I'll be back in Malaysia next July after all. Simply cannot wait.

Answers. Pronto!

Ideas came pouring out whenever I least expect them. I've locked myself out from the world for the weekend. Life in solitary, what would it do to me? Then I recalled how in films prisoners would count their days with marks left on the prison wall; etched by spoons. Life is miserable that way, isn't it? And I haven't been keeping a diary since early high school. They'd always told me that writing a diary would improve my language. Heck, I didn't know what to write about my life!

It'd seem that I acted like a tortured soul. Don't really what my next step is going to be, don't know what initiative I have to make to end this prolonged hiatus. I've always told people: "For every breathing second of my life, I'm wasting away my parents' money."

I seemed to be living a life many would envy. Without any consequences from my parents. I started reflecting on this situation after a heated conversation with my brother. I was reprimanding him for his bad mid-term results when I was the one who had to take a gap year here. Who am I to give him a scolding when nobody had given me one? Of all my personal failures; this was the worst. For my brother to make an example out of me; out of spite; was the last straw and I blocked him off. Inevitably; a nuisance must be contained.

Life isn't that simple, right? The fact that we have full control of our lives is a difficult one to live with. What could've been? What should've been? What ought to be? Only He knows. For He has plans for all of us.

One more week. My questions will be answered. The wait is killing me.

Sway.

After a visit to HMV two days ago, I found myself blurting out all the high school series that I once watched. They had the whole collection of Charmed and Buffy the Vampire Slayer; both which were my favorite. Then I started looking for my post-high school favorite, Veronica Mars but they didn't have it. Veronica Mars is simply genius. Not many people heard of it, watched it nor knew it at all. Maybe, just Kristen Bell and Amanda Seyfried.

Enemy turned lovers; Logan and Veronica.

I rewatched Season 1 of Buffy last night, it's only 12 episodes (there goes 9 hours of my evening); and I recalled how Angel was once the beloved vampire; not the Twilight vampires or the brothers from The Vampire Diaries. I dread to watch Season 2 now because that's when his soul was taken away and Buffy had to kill him. Sad.

Another happening, totally unrelated to the former; I found a gem at the local TK Maxx, 'The Works of Shakespeare' for only £12!!! It included three books consisting of plays, histories, essays and poems.

Now my depressed Sylvia Plath has a friend! Oh, so much joy for the weekend!

For A Person Not Next to Me.

Linger. My mind kept on lingering today. Call it daydream, whatever, but it's certainly not for me. Ponder is excessive thinking, daydream is to waste time dreaming while awake but lingering, for me, it continuity on a certain subject. I cannot seem to take my mind off of it though I tried to make myself busy, making phone calls (important ones) and gaming. I even tried to walked the thought off by going to the wholesaler store near my flat.




## No matter which way you go;
No matter which way you stay;
You're out of my mind, out of my mind;
Out of my mind, out of my mind##

Winter Trees.

The wet dawn inks are doing their blue dissolve.
On their blotter of fog the trees,
Seem a botanical drawing,
Memories growing, ring on ring,
A series of weddings.

-Winter Trees by Sylvia Plath.


I know it's unhealthy for me to keep dwelling into Sylvia Plath's works. I have re-read her book, The Bell Jar for the 5th time. Now I can really relate to her poem. This is a only the first stanza, I remind you although the meaning is otherwise if you read the whole poem. I feel so helpless sometimes. My parents have been encouraging me but at the same time, seemed to pave a road of return and forbid me from going through the walk of shame. They're protecting me, I know. What's the point of staying in UK for post-study work if they expect me to return home if I'm unhappy with work? They want me to be happy, to be ready for BPTC next year but mum, dad, I'm going to be just fine.

I know I cannot foresee the future or the outcome of my decisions. But I am sure I won't be caught dead living in hell. There will not be "a series of weddings" for me. Don't take the phrase literally. I will not fail. Not in a series of failures, at least. The Bell Jar talks about this young writer who had a bright start in her life; scholarship to New York but later on, she found out that her writing works just don't cut it. Depressed, she attempted suicide over and over again. Her family was there for her, all the time, pouring in love and money to cure her. Thank God I'm not relating myself to this, for I had passed my IELTS =)

Replacement, Never Easy.

You know how is it that something you adore and love so much... suddenly disappear and it's so hard to look for a substitute to replace its original place in your heart? That's how I feel when I stumbled upon a new series called Covert Affairs.

I am a BIG fan of Alias. All my high school friends would know that. I have posters of Jennifer Garner posted on my wall in the class. I have a whole section in my book shelves dedicated to Alias; I called it my Alias corner. And it was certainly depressing to hear KT Tunstall talking about Jennifer Garner tripping over her dress in some awards show. Anyways, Covert Affairs bears heavy similarities to the former. It is a spy show, CIA based, starring a strong female character played by Piper Perabo (Coyote Ugly, Lost and Delirious, Imagine Me + You); sorry I can only list the scandalous films that she's been in because she's that scandalous looking.

I am now onto the sixth episode, I've been going slow on this series because every single time I watch it, I think of Alias. The second-third season was the bomb. JJ Abrams, the master of script planned the series 2 years ahead with Sydney losing all her memories and the whole Season 3 worked in flashback and with a new female fatale; Lauren Reed. I wonder how many series in the world can ever play out a storyline like that and lasts for a whole season.

The thing is, TV series in USA is a ticking bomb once a new season begins, irregardless of the fan base that the show has, the plug will be pulled once the ratings drop. Think of my favorite medical drama, Mercy. Damn you NBC!

Anyways, Alias is considered in its maturation period, with the third season starting as a whole new ticking bomb altogether. New time slot in USA, and new storyline. Basically once a series enters its third season it's unlikely for it to pick up new spectators; due to the built-up storyline and the lack of replays in the TV. It's a gamble. And it worked. Alias was renewed for a fourth season and basically the season which Jennifer Garner spotted the best hairstyle. It was also the warmest season showing familial affections and love.

However, BEN AFFLECK, you just have to make someone pregnant don't you. So, ABC announced that Season 5 is going to be the last season and who's sad? ME! ME ME ME!!!

A few years later, say, 5 years later, Covert Affairs emerged. It stars the scandalous Piper, hunky Eric Lively (who's getting replaced, WHAT THE HECK) and Christopher Gorham whom I've adored since Popular. It's different from Alias, of course, but it's a very good show and I recommend it to those who are alien to spy shows. Because it's time for you to get rid of comedic romantic sitcoms off your television.

3-2-1, And We're Back.

Cardiff. The last time I was here, I had a shock of my life. The second time, I had a bigger shock of my life. During the first, I had a slight tinge of happiness. The second time around, it was just plain awkward and unrest. I'm sorry but that's how I feel.

Cardiff is a nice, quaint city but since I've been to Aberystwyth, I'd say Cardiff lose a further 10points on my chart of quaint places. So the current ranking would be: Aberystwyth, Ireland and Cardiff. Still bottom.

My friends have all been busy with their BPTC, assignments, group discussions, advocacy, attending talks and stuff, dining in London and court visits. Somebody asked, do you feel left out? I said no. Why bother about these things when I'm taking a breather before mine start next year?

Don't worry people, it takes more than a deferral to make me go into depression. It'll be a long time and long way before I sink into that. Cheers there.

Oh yes, "overwhelmed with happiness". What does that tell you? Someone gave me a very mixed meaning to it. I haven't browsed dictionaries in a lifetime. I need answers.

90's Baby

"Back to the 80's"; Aqua's comeback single a year ago. I love Aqua, always have and will always do. I know it's weird but they're the first band that I'm really crazy over for. All their songs, all their music videos... even when Lene went solo. I followed the progress. Just still in disbelief that they actually sang "Turn Back Time" which was like my high school anthem.



However, the main celebrity of my 90's is not Aqua. It's this man called Duncan Sheik.

If you have been listening to the radio since the beginning of your kindergarten; he hogs the chart. Every single day you will hear him on the radio and the TV. Now, he's a big time composer having written songs for the coming-to-age musical; Spring Awakening. (how very ironic, spring is when mammals breed)


Might I say, I'd love to have this guy as my dad. Not a girl crush per se, but I really admire him.




Thanks to my parents, my 90's have a hint of 80's. Roxette. Who doesn't know them? SLAP yourself if you don't know them. After all these years, her hairstyle still hasn't changed. Even after her cancer; still the same. In the early 2000 they released a song called "A Thing About You". You ain't going to like it unless you're their big fan. Big departure from their friendly, hip and happy hits.

Well I can't blame you if you don't know this band. They're called of Ace of Base. Only TV and radio listeners at age 6 will know them. Famous for songs such as "All That She Wants" and "The Sign", you know it's them when the tune starts. Didn't really dig deep into their current music. I prefer their radio friendly songs.

Here's a girl band that I swear YOU DON'T KNOW. But just put up with me for this is the last of the 80's bands. Wilson Phillips; combination of two powerful celebrity families. They're so good during the early 90's. I think they even did a Japan tour or something. However, their management was so keen on promoting a good image that they kept censoring off the fatter sister from the videos, promotional tours and pictorials. It didn't take long for them to break up and now I don't know what they're doing. I just know that Bijou Phillips (Paris Hilton-esque) is the Phillips' clan step-sister.

Nearing the 2000, The Cardigans. Those parents who let your children watched Romeo & Juliet (starring Leonardo DiCarpio and Claire Danes) shame on you! Also, Cruel Intentions. These two movies are so totally 15SX-ish and I had only watched them at age... 15. HAHAHA! Well, I found out that "Lovefool" was really big after it was featured in Romeo & Juliet. However, I have heard it on the radio... so mesmerizing. They're still producing hits now, though not internationally. Most of their songs are A-Ok.



The Corrs. Got to know them when I saw their video for the Mulan soundtrack. I'm not a fan of the 98 Degrees featuring Stewie Wonder one. The Corrs are the epitome of strong family bonds. And talented too. Just too bad that their company is no longer favoring them. Their songs still rock; albeit Irish-folk rock.


No 90's post will be perfect without a boyband. Yes, my first favorite boyband... 'N Sync. My favorite member? Lance who turned out to be gay. Most hated... *high five people!* JOEY! He's too old...


Sometimes I really wonder why am I studying Law when I can just blurt out information about these random celebrities. I should write a gossip blog that is 24/7 operational rumor mill. Heck, I already did that. Not my type. HAHAHA!

Restless.

Friday. Most of my friends would go down to London today to attend the first session of the introduction week for Middle Temple. 3 days there and they get 4 qualifying sessions. I thought of going, but I'll have to pay for it. Not cheap... dining is not that cheap. Plus shopping? Not worth it. *cheapskate me*

I think I'm going nuts just sitting and waiting. I had a long dream last night. In my dream, I am working, probably as a secretary or OL (office lady). I had two tasks; prepare buffet for Raya celebration and to do filing. It's so funny because in real life; I haven't done both before and most importantly, why Raya celebration? I think I miss the food oh-too-much.

I'm seriously going crazy. Doomed.

One Film, Six Degrees of Separation

I watched a movie today. It's an old film called Girl, Interrupted starring Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, Clea DuVall, Whoopi Goldberg and Brittany Murphy. And it struck me, all five of them are real life lunatics. At least during a certain stage of their lives. No offence to the late Brittany Murphy though.

I especially admired the portrayal of the friendship bond between Winona and Angelina's characters. So much betrayal yet they continue to stay loyal to each other. Maybe because it's about crazy people and that's how their friendship work.

Then I saw something unbelievable. Jared Leto. He's always been an underrated actor. Somewhat like Stuart Townsend. Jared's acting reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal. I watched most of his movies before he got famous as the frontman of you-name-it; 30 Seconds to Mars. I hate how people relate his music to his looks. He actually gave up Cameron Diaz before he hit big time on the charts. Well, youth nowadays listening to the radio never really cared. Maybe me, hailing from the older generation, is too critical about music.

I only listened to one radio channel when I was back in Malaysia and that was Mix.FM. Everyday they play the same repetitive songs several times over the day. I always anticipate Ace of Base, Shawn Colvin, Boyzone and Lady Antebellum. Oh yes, they have a few irritating songs that repeat several times a day as well. Think Rihanna's 'Rude Boy'.

Let me try something in this post. Relate the cast of Girl, Interrupted with music.

Winona Ryder - dated Blake Sennet of Rilo Kiley
Angelina Jolie - once married to actor-singer Billy Bob Thornton
Clea DuVall - currently dating Camila Grey of Uh Huh Her
Whoopi Goldberg - a singer herself
Brittany Murphy - a singer herself too
Jared Leto - lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars

Girl, Interrupted is a good movie and I'm so affected by Kevin Bacon's Six Degrees of Separation to be running wild with references to other media. Something is wrong with my brain, like seriously.

It's Like Forgetting the Words to Your Favorite Song.

This post is a reply to the heavy bombardment that I'd received in a fellow blogger's post: Hands All Over, I Hate You

She, once too many, never fail to leave her footprint on my Facebook page.
Often, either at wee hours in the morning or the late nights. But, mostly while she's working as LOL (Little Office Lady -according to her)
Her grudge grows stronger, though silent, I know lies within the fact that I named someone Poodle. She's an obsessive compulsive shopper.
I don't know how many times she'd sworn off shopping.
As many of you would know; old habit dies hard. True enough.

I told her that we should visit Hong Kong.In turn she went there without me and went on to plan her next trips without me.
But insisted me to go on the "expensive" and near impossible one; JAPAN.
Poor people like me; jobless and rejected, where on earth can I find the dimes to afford such luxury?
This so-called manager, me, always fail to control her whims and oh yes, this is work without salary.
Malaysia has to start enforcing minimum wage law.

I should change my profession, to full time loan shark.
Put my daddy's credit card to good use.
Purchases at SEED, Anakku and Khalil Fong's concert.
All courtesy of the Mastercard.
Now that I've got a new Visa Debit; waiting for her chance to "christen" it.


Maroon 5. I've been listening to their songs since high school.
Examine their music videos inside out; outside in.
Why was their first video so plain while the rest; too explicit in nature? (still no answer)
Oh yes, the fact that Sara Bareilles is their opening act helps.
I adore her. Who doesn't?
Not only her love songs, but her raw concert performances.
Though comparable to Vanessa Carlton, I'd take her as a shoe-in for my missed Regina Spektor.


Bottom line, it was just unlucky that you had to chat with me 8am UK time.
At 9am the tickets start selling and I had to find ways to waste time before the online sales start.
LOL, on the computer desk, working and onlining. Per usual.
Now even named me LOMO. Maybe I should get a Leica so I can take Lomo effect pictures?
Don't even get me started on your guilty pleasure; dandy indulgences:
#1 iPad
#2 NEX5 vs GF-1; then GF-1 vs Mr. Oly

All the shopping whims. Poodle, another guilty party. Made her even more susceptible to the pitfall of addiction.
Not easy to be tamed; both of you. Two peas in a pod.

Life Unexpected. Truly.

Life is unfair. Life is tough. Life has a meaning.

I have just been through the worst summer of my life. All the mishaps culminating to the undesired and unexpected path of road that I'll be taking instead of doing the BPTC. I have decided to apply for Tier 1 visa for post-study work and then work for a year before re-applying for BPTC next year. That is the only option left for me since I don't want to lose out on the hefty deposit sum (non-refundable).

I just hope that this little bump in my life helps me to grow and continue to learn.

Wounded Heart

It's been a long while since I last blogged. Totally lost the touch of it. The combined feeling of wholesomeness and relief after sharing my thoughts only. Now I'm really troubled. Even though many felt happy for me; I too felt happy but the persons I'm closest to are not.

I didn't get First Class, I know I'm not the First Class graduate kind because first of all, I'm not studious and secondly I am not quite used to the teaching system in UK. I might be enjoying myself a little too much in the UK with all the temptations being the people, music and traveling. Nevertheless I knew what I had to do and I aimed to secure a Second Upper.

After the exams, I thought that EU Law would significantly affect my marks. I was even more afraid that my Dissertation would pull me down to a Second Lower because well, I seriously could not predict my marks. Above all, I did a LONG DISSERTATION which could go either way to secure my degree or not.

When I told my mother about my results today, she wasn't too ecstatic. She was like: "Are you satisfied with your results? Then, that's good."

I had to be satisfied with my results and I was incredibly happy to say that I've got a First Class in my Dissertation. However she didn't seem to share the same joy that I felt. Was she expecting me to get a First Class?

I can't get the conversation out of my head. I couldn't reach my dad for words of comfort. My brother is of NO USE! He didn't even ask me about my results. 叉烧仔!!!

Say.

Just some random thoughts and I was taken back to old memories. High school and college though did not fared out so well for me; I had some pretty amazing experiences and sweet memories. It just goes on to show how life doesn't really turn out to be what you have expected.

It is always normal for me to start anew and explore my personality each year; since high school. I suffered too much during high school; being in an all girls' school really was challenging. I caused a girl to switch school just before her final year; she was quite influential and well, my social status went from normal to being flushed down the toilet. It was not my fault really but I didn't bother to explain myself too much.

Similarly, I had a terrible experience with my years in degree. I didn't bother to explain myself -AGAIN. I guessed that's how more troubles ensued and the matters got dragged on for so long that it lasted for almost 2 years now. You might think that the hardships that I'd endured had only made me stronger. Nonsense!

Sometimes when I think back I could only think that these are the challenges from the Lord Himself and I am supposed to accept my life as it plays out. That is what I believe. But I haven't gotten any stronger. I am still as gullible as ever.

This is quite a personal post. One thing for sure, the past does not represent the future. I suppose these experiences contribute to my current eccentricities and quirkiness. I don't bother how others view me as a friend anymore.

Heck, I need a normal social life.

Promise to Myself

So the wait is over. I am back to the blogging sphere! The weeks have been horrendously filled with nerve wrecking errands and worst of all, my dissertation. Feel free to download and read it by clicking this link: Carly's Dissertation

In conjunction to my countdown of 22 days till the final exams (finally, I'm graduating for my degree!); I made a 10 Resolutions before Exam checklist. Normally people would make New Year Resolutions as such but not for me. No, no, no. Desperate times call for desperate measures my friends.

Carly's Before the Exam Resolutions:

1. Stop making plans, start making sense. Make a study plan and stick to it. For real.
2. Eat healthily and sleep early during this period.
3. Remember to call and email parents just so not to make them worry too much.
4. Buy an Evidence Law textbook. Seriously it's time to get one!!!
5. Stop rambling and fretting about the misery of revisions. Get a life!
6. Cut down on my movies and TV series; I can always continue after the exams.
7. To finish my pre-BPTC errands by end of next week. It's a must!
8. To use up one stack of my A4 papers and 3 pens to the least. I brought so much but finished none -yet!
9. No more random fits or bitter emotions to deviate myself from books. Don't hate them, try loving them!
10. Lastly, to make myself study them books for at least 3 hours a day without fail so I can have the remaining 21 hours to myself.
    

Saints.

I am usually very clumsy. So very clumsy that I often get myself into big troubles. For the first time, I experienced this in the UK.

As most of you would've known now, I was called to the scholarship interview by the Middle Temple in London. As I was reaching the coach station in Victoria, I took out the letters to look for directions and tube instructions. Then I read something on the letter: "Please bring your BPTC offer letter and four passport sized photos."

I rummaged through my whole room the night before to look for the photos and as luck would place them; they were in my purse. Clumsiness. But I had totally forgot about the offer letter. I looked at the time, 45 minutes before the interview. I knew that I had a second offer letter in PDF format via email because as an international student, I have to fulfill further requirements. I tried to get online to check for any printing shop near the area but then, I'd disabled the internet on my handphone.

Instead of turning in a complete nervous wreck, I made my way to the Middle Temple. The area is just next to the embankment; meaning no shops. I walked straight into the Temple area, hoping to get into the library but it was closed. I walked uphill, past the main hall and into the lodging and administration offices. I heard someone sneezed and glanced into the window. There sat a man in front of his computer; with a printer on the table as well. I thought of begging him but on another glance, he also had a name plate on the table stating that he's a member of the Inn. I wouldn't want to offend any high-ranking member of the Inn!

I went to the hall, my final resort. I signed my name and asked the security guard for possibly, a printer-ready computer with internet connection. He said of course, and led me into the security office next to the entrance. He turned on internet explorer for me and asked me to use it. He further added that the computer is slightly slow. I thanked him and he left me to it.

I got my letter printed out and he gave me directions to the waiting room. There were 4 persons sitting there. I knew I was the only Asian because when I signed my name; I saw no other Asian names. As I was waiting, two clerks walked in and called out names. Three of them got called off to their respective panels. I was left there with another lady. She looked far more matured than me, possibly a postgraduate. At first, I thought she was a fellow clerk and was sitting in the area to keep an eye on us. Then, the only noise that broke the silence in the room was the pendulum of the old grandfather clock. I wasn't nervous about the interview but definitely was intimidated by the lady. Suddenly she stood up and walked towards me, said: "It's scary to wait, isn't it? I've been waiting for far too long. Oh, I think I came a little too early."

I smiled back at her and replied: "Yes, it's scary. What time is your slot by the way?"

Her slot is 2.15pm while mine is 2.30pm but she told me that there were a few interviewing panels and depending on the attendance, some might be earlier. Afterward, a clerk came in and called out my name.

"Fui Yap. Fui Yap." I walked towards her.
"Fui Yap, did I pronounce your name correctly? By the way, my name is Christa Richmond and please come with me"

I wished the lady good luck before I leave the waiting room and walked with Christa to the interview room. On our way, we walked past some champagne glasses. She told me don't bother, they're for use later; hinting that I will get to use them when I join Middle Temple.

She checked my details and followed me into the room. Then the rest is history.

So there you go, Middle Temple, where I met three friendly persons. Complete strangers but felt like friends to me. I am so thankful.

H.Y.P.O.C.R.I.S.Y.

Happy Easter Sunday to my fellow readers. For those of you who fasted; kudos to you! I remember some of my friends who'd successfully performed the fasting and prayers for a whole 40 days. So, to those who'd succeeded, I hope that the act will bring you closer to Him.

I always to find a way to get myself troubled for no good reason. Mentally disturbed. I couldn't get this term out of my head currently: "HYPOCRITICAL". It's the act of hypocrisy that one exhibits. I had recently witnessed the worst of hypocrisy. I am almost certain that this extent of hypocrisy triggered the alarm in my brain. I could've gone off anytime. It's even worse that those egomaniacs that I despise. I don't understand how some people can be so judgmental of others even after they judged themselves. Don't preach what you don't practice. But that doesn't happen very often, isn't it?

I remember once my brother was being judgmental; too judgmental about a singer I introduced to him. And now he's a big fan of hers and I just wouldn't stop picking on him for that. In fact, I was venting out my anger through my sarcasm to make him feel. Mean what you say and say what you mean, please. He's still pretty annoyed by me whenever I bring that matter up; basically every single time I introduce some new songs to him. I'd make him listen to my songs all because he screwed up badly once.

I don't say certain things about people because I don't want others to say those words at me. I've always said, certain things in life behave like a two-way street. I don't step into your lane and vice versa. Now, here's where I draw the line. You, being judgmental and a hypocrite, don't deserve to say those things to me so please just keep your mouth shut. And I don't need you to make me feel good either. It's a two-way street like I said; just zip it.

I am sometime narcissistic and live my life with a heck-care attitude, only because I really don't care so much. So don't make me even start caring because that's when I'll start losing my temper. This has turned out to be quite an angst-filled post. I am losing my sleep thinking of this. Guess I'll never fully comprehend just how some people behave. I need a good glass of red wine, some music and a good textbook to get me off this topic.

Bagel for Breakfast.

Plain bagel with sugared butter and Gouda cheese.

The best homemade brunch I had since I stepped foot in the UK. I've always been a fan of bagels though they're quite expensive at cafes. They're shaped like doughnuts, but not as fattening as doughnuts; tastes like bread but more scrumptious than bread. I don't like to have like most people do; with creamed cheese. I prefer it to be filled with cheese, egg or bacon.

What inspired me? Sandy Cohen from The O.C.

The bagel slicer in The O.C.

A bagel slicer would make a good housewarming gift for me. Or a blender. Okay, I would prefer a blender to the slicer. With a blender I can create more food for myself. I'm born in a country with diversity. I heart, I love and now I crave diversity. Food diversity I mean.

Rainbow After the Rain.

The positive and vibrant Carly is back alive! I managed to get all my errands done:

1. Sent my acceptance form and deposit to MMU
   
2. Rent a room in Manchester
3. Emailed lecturers for my certificate of character for Middle Temple admission application

And then I still have time to snoop around websites... I got myself tickets to watch concerts. Even have some extra tickets so I can earn some money from reselling. I remember when I first came to UK, Tegan & Sara came to Manchester. The original ticket price was £15 but since it was sold out months before I arrive, the reselling price was £80!!! And now it's my turn to seek REVENGE!

Oh yes, I got my hands on She & Him's ticket as well. I'm still thinking whether or not to go because the show will be 2 weeks before my exams. And I'll be traveling alone down to London to catch the show.

Somehow I've always known that I'll go lots of concerts when I come to UK because of the relatively cheap ticket price and also the variety of concerts available. I just didn't expect to see tickets sold out just a day after they go on sale. Like the Tegan & Sara's tickets that I bought... they're currently sold out. Just after 24 hours.



I went on eBay just now to check the reselling price for She & Him. A whooping £90!!! The moral of the story is... always get your tickets as soon as they go on sale!

As I've mentioned earlier, I got a place to stay in Manchester already! The basic rent is 55 p.p.w (pounds per week), definitely cheaper than my current place. Although the bills and internet are not included in the rent, I believe that those wouldn't be too expensive as the place I'm renting only has 2 bedrooms which means that I'll only have ONE HOUSEMATE! Too bad nobody else will be going to Manchester with me if not I'll have a desirable housemate to stay with!

Gone Cuckoo.

I was having the perfect beginning of my first Easter break in the UK until I received this letter. I became a nervous train wreck straight after reading it. Why now???

Deep down in my heart I was thinking there's never going to be a chance that I'll be qualified for the interview. And then the bomb dropped on me. *sigh*

I had quite an amazing week thanks to my friends in Cardiff and also my ever capricious housemates. Midnight cupcakes-baking sessions, anyone? Cancel dinner cooking session and let's go KFC since we have them coupons, anyone? Yay!

These activities ought to get my mind off from the interview preparation for awhile; though I still acceptance letter to MMU and application to Middle Temple Inn to deal with. There goes £600 from my bank account!